I Think I've Heard This One Before...

Here's what I don't get, how is it that one can get an article rejected by a college newspaper when the writer is not only friends with the editors, but happens to be the best Goddamn writer in the school? I can't seem to figure it out myself.

About two weeks ago, the San Francisco Foghorn (USF's prestigious student paper) ran an article titled "Best Bands You've Never Heard Of." This list contained the following bands: The Pipettes (heard of them, they're harrible), Peter Bjorn and John (heard of them, they're okay), Air Traffic (haven't heard of them, but their name is too similar to Air Supply, therefore they are shite), Albert Hammond Jr. (not a "band" per se, and who the fuck hasn't heard of the Strokes?), Cansei De Ser Sexy (from Brazil, and I prefer the movie Brazil to the actual country), and the Noisettes (harrible). I suppose the writer of this article (Amanda Van West) succeeded in listing two bands that I'd never heard of, but I doubt anyone would consider anything she listed to be the best of 2006.

After reading the article, I felt compelled to write a response. After all, who the hell is this girl to say what's good? In case you all didn't realize, she's a girl. If anything, these are bands her boyfriend likes and she's just along for the ride. So anyone, I wrote up a little something something, a piece that I thought was pretty good. Of course, you drop a few STDs in your articles and everyone's getting offended, or something like that. Didn't these Foghorn JAs already see this movie? You can't hold me bitch, I'll start my own damn paper. Could this be the begining to the rumoured Lost Entertainment Sequal? I guess you'll just have to wait and see. In the meantime, here's the article that was just too edgy for the Foghorn. Enjoy.


"Even Better Bands You've Never Heard Of"

Last week, the San Francisco Foghorn published a list of the supposed “best bands you’ve never heard of.” Well friends, if you’re anything like me, you’ve both heard of and heard the musicians that made up said list, which included some chicks, a few Swedes, and a real Stroke. I have nothing against the groups mentioned last week (with the exception of the Pipettes, they’re terrible), but I would never go so far as to call any of them the best anything I’ve never anything. I’ll take Jens Lekman over Peter Bjorn and John any day of the Swedish week. Lekman not obscure enough for you? How about Suburban Kids with Biblical Names? I doubt you could even identify what their name is in reference to, so don’t bother claiming that you’ve heard of them. Anyway, here’s a list of even better bands of 2006 that you’ve definitely never heard of.


The B.U.S. Bandits: These guys are incredible! The B.U.S. Bandits must ride the bus a lot. These Canadian indie-rockers spin their tales of bus terror over music reminiscent of pretty much every other band out of Canada right now, but so much better. Sometimes when I listen to them, I swear singer Marshal McDowry is sitting in the piss soaked seat across from me. This one time I was riding down Geary Blvd while listening to the Bandits’ most recent single, “Riding Down Geary On The #38,” wherein McDowry sings “that Chinese guy next to you is fallin’ asleep/ you better bump him with your elbow/ or else he’s gonna drool all over you.” I looked to my right, and sure enough, there was a Chinese guy falling asleep next to me. Needless to say, I didn’t have the guts to bump him with my elbow and he drooled on me. Now I have Hepatitis.

Skull Crushing Blood Blood Blood: These guys are amazing! After listening to this Norwegian death metal trio, you’ll need to stuff cotton balls in your ears, because they’ll be gushing blood (and that’s if you’re i-Pod volume is on low). Their music is so loud, my deaf roommate tells me to turn down my stereo whenever I listen to them. Skull Crushing Blood Blood Blood are so crazy, they don’t wear black leather pants, they wear beige khakis. How insane is that? Their latest album “I Was Going To Kill You Tomorrow, But Apparently I Killed You Last Week Already (rough translation)” is currently illegal in this country, but I checked Orbitz and flights to Norway are only $700. Well worth it.

SheMania: Here’s one for the ladies. SheMania is an all female dance pop outfit featuring some of the most attractive women I’ve seen since last watching the “Girls Gone Wild” college edition video ($9.99, you can’t beat that price). Not only do they look great, their singing is pretty decent as well. What sets them apart from the Madonnas and the Paris Hiltons of the world are their lyrics. SheMania don’t write songs about having crushes on sk8ter boyz and wanting to be a slave for you, they address issues that real women face everyday, such as HPV (did you know that you can get cancer from a virus? I sure didn’t). Did I mention that four of the five members are post-op M2F transsexuals (the fifth guy just likes to dress in women’s clothing)? Regardless, these girls are super neat-o!

The Fray: These guys are alright, I guess. I just can’t believe no one has heard of them. “How To Save A Life” Would sound just beautiful at the end of “Gray’s Anatomy” when the doctor in unable to save the dying patient from cancer (possibly cervical cancer). I’ve been a fan of the Fray for about five years now, and the thought of them blowing up like Fall Out Boy is utterly heartbreaking. I don’t know what I would do if the video for “Over My Head (Cable Car)” ever got aired on VH1. It’s okay with me if you check these guys out, but don’t go telling your friends about them. Keep the Fray where they belong: underground.